


2 am

by Trash_Lord



Series: Author vents through haikyuu charecters [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Another vent fic, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It might be more than implied/referenced, Mentions of suicide notes, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Character, Trans Yamaguchi Tadashi, Trans boy charecter, sad yamaguchi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-05-25 16:23:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6202453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trash_Lord/pseuds/Trash_Lord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>2 am is a dangerous time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	2 am

2 am is a dangerous time.   
2 am is a time when your darkest thoughts come out. A sad time.  
Yamaguchi Tadashi often spent his 2 ams laying in bed, sometimes crying, sometimes staring numbly as the ceiling or wall, almost always wishing that he could have him mom look at him and be proud of him, of her son. 

But no. Yamaguchi Tadashi's mom didn't see him like that.   
She saw him as her 'precious little girl', her only daughter.   
She wasn't home alot but when she was she often made comments like   
"Girls don't wear things like that sweetie"   
Or  
"You really need to stop dressing like that. You need to accept that you're a girl"  
A couple of times she'd even gone as far as to threaten to take his binder away.   
But the worst comment (in his opinion) was one she only made once, often times when Yamaguchi is laying in bed while crying or bleeding of wanting to die it'll play over and over again in his head. It was the way she said it, the way she didn't even bother looking at him as it left her mouth (he thought he deserved for her to atleast look him in the eyes after he practically begged nearly crying for her to let him cut his hair short) 

"Yknow you'll always be my daughter, and someday you'll accept that" 

Thay sentence made him feel like he was crumbling. Like he was going to collapse any second. 

But 2 am isn't just for being sad.   
2 am is used for thinking.  
2 am is used for writing suicide notes and contemplating finally taking your own life.   
It's for watching your own blood drip down your leg or your arm, leaving blood stains on your bed. 

Often times when Yamaguchi writes suicide notes he thinks about how bitter he his at his mother, he thinks about how maybe in his note he should tell her how many times he's hurt himself because of things she's said, the way she practically ignored him coming out. Maybe he should tell her how much he's hated himself. Maybe he should tell her about the times he's layed in bed crying because he wants to be her little girl. The cis daughter she thought she had, the daughter she wanted. But it hurts so much to pretend to be a girl and he can't because he's not. He's a boy and he just wishes that she'd understand that. He wishes she'd be proud of her son. Oh God how he wishes that.  
Sometimes in the notes he writes he includes things like that (he's written so many) sometimes he just says that he loves her and that it's not her fault, that this was his choice. 

Somedays at 2 am he will be laying in bed with nails digging into his skin (often in his chest. A little below the collarbone) or still wearing his binder because he hates his body so much and he wishes he wasn't like this.   
He wishes he didn't feel like this. 

Occasionally he will get asked why he never tells anyone when he's feeling down. His first response is to tell them that he doesn't feel like burdening other people, that it's easier to just pretend that everything's fine the next day, it's easier to pretend his emotions don't really exist. He's fine.   
But in the end he just shrugs and smiles and says that maybe he will next time (he almost never does) because actually admitting any of thay would be too much emotion. 

At some point Yamaguchi quits crying. He isn't sure what happened but he feels pretty numb most of the time.   
When he isn't numb he's so overwhelmed by emotions he'd rather be numb.   
But he tries not to think about it. He's fine. He doesn't remember what it's like to want to be alive anymore, but that's okay. He's okay.  
He let's it all out at 2 am on his skin.   
He hurts himself more frequently now that he doesn't cry.   
But he'll be okay. He's always okay. 

Unless it's 2 am

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I apologize it it's bad.   
> \- Eli (Trash_Lord)


End file.
